Secrets

Good secrets, bad secrets.  We teach this to our children when they are very young.

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. Unfortunately too true.

You have secrets, even if you don't realize it.  You have secret shame, or secret thoughts.  You don't tell anyone because it is a guilty pleasure, or just plain guilt.  There are things you don't want to share with anyone, things you see no need to share and things you should forever keep to yourself.

Some of our secrets cost us love or friendship, marriage, our job or even our lives or our freedom.  They turn us into someone we don't recognize because we won't face them.  Some secrets make us smile, like the secret crush on the boy next door or the stash of chocolate we nibble on when alone.  Some make us cry, so we push them into the filing cabinets of our brains.

No one person knows all our secrets.  We play the role of being open and honest with our siblings or our spouses or our best friend or our therapist.  We share a little bit with her,  a little bit with him, but always, always there is that little bit we keep to ourselves.  It's part of being human, I guess.

Is keeping secrets the same as living a lie?  No, not always.  There are some things so private that sharing them would be a mistake.  There are some things that feel right and you want to share them but you don't understand what the outcome will be. There are things that should be left unsaid, never to be shared with anyone. 

I shared a secret with a friend of many years.  It was a mistake.  I should have kept my mouth shut.  It put a strain on our friendship that will never be repaired.  I have apologized over and over, but it doesn't seem to matter.  Someday I hope the friendship can be mended.

I know another friend's secret.  I will never tell, because it would hurt a lot of people. I found out by accident; the friend is unaware that I know.  I would die before I would tell.

Yesterday I told my biggest secret to my oldest friend.  I know it is safe with her. It had affected me, her, us, for many years.  It was a burden I carried.  Afterwards, I felt bad that I had given her a portion of my burden to struggle with.  I feel lighter now, and I hope I haven't given her any of my pain to bear.  Still, she is the most loving and forgiving, non-judgemental person I have ever known.  We'll be OK.

There is much to do in the next couple of weeks.  Turning sixty is a big deal for me.  I want to celebrate this new decade in a special way.  I want to be free of the guilt I have over people I might have mistreated.  I want forgiveness for my actions that may have offended anyone.  I want to celebrate with faith, truthfulness and the simple joy of being alive.  I want to give a portion of the love I have been given to my friends, to strangers and to myself.  (The irony is not lost on me--if I don't love me, no one else will either.)

Good secrets, bad secrets.  Some to keep, some to share, some best discarded. All to learn from.