Afterthoughts

When the dance is done, the dinner is digested; when we have had the last of the wine and the song; when the last blush of sunshine flushes the sky with shades of amethyst...that is when we sit quietly and think about what is and what might have been.

Sometimes the thoughts are random.  What if I had won the lottery?  What if I had studied Transcendental Meditation?  What if I had been a hippie?

Sometimes specific.  What if I had married someone else? Would I have found the life I have today?  What if I had become a teacher instead of a salesman?  What if I had not let my fears rule me?  If the man I love loves another, will I live at all?  Could I be happy in another world?  What if my children were not mine, but the result of someone else's union?

What if I had been born a man? Would I have served my country with honor? Or would I have run when my number came up? Would I be brave and loyal, hardworking or a bum?  Would I have taken up a trade?  Gone into politics?  Would I have been open and caring, forgiving and loving with the person I loved most? Or would I have been cold, indifferent, even mean? Would I share what was wrong and rejoice in what was right?

I want to do what is right.  I try to live the way I think God wants me to live. I try to do my job, love my family, be honest in dealng with others.  I try to stay true to what I believe.  Most days I enjoy living as I do. I am a basically happy individual, and I try to let my inner light shine on those around me, bringing joy when someone will let me into their space for even a little while. I try to be warm, letting my warmth melt the coldest hearts.

Sometimes it works.  Sometimes it doesn't.  Some people make the candle in me burn brighter, like a million tiny flames.  I can feel the fire spreading, touching other souls, giving them a light they can follow out of their self-imposed darkness. Sometimes it fails, the cold breath blowing out the last flicker of love within me, shrouding those around me in thickness so that all they see is pain reflected against pain.

It used to be enough to simply be, but not anymore.  Suddenly it is my mission to touch people and make them whole, giving them a reason to live where they had none, giving them friendship when they had been lonely, giving an ear to their quiet voices.  It isn't enough anymore to sit in my LaZBoy and watch the world falter;  I need to help hold it up.

There are those who will bite the hand I offer, rejecting any attempt I make to show them kindness.  Is it because they don't like me? Or are they afraid to accept my unconditional gift? Or don't they like themselves?  No matter how you look at it, it is so wrong to reject the love of another when it is freely given.

What changed me? I looked inside. I decided what I believe. I remembered the things I used to love.  I opened my eyes to see the wrong things I have done.  I tried to make them right.  I asked God to fill me with enough love that I could give it away, enough light that people would see it in me and want it, too.  I asked for the right words to touch someone's life.  I asked for a new perspective.

Sometimes my afterthoughts are silly ones that don't mean a thing to anyone but my selfish self.  Sometimes they are profound, sometimes they make me cry. Sometimes I am content, sometimes not. There are things I want that I cannot have, there are things I will never speak aloud.

Through it all, I will trust.