I tried to trace the genealogy that led from Brunhilda to Zelda and myself but the diary made the lineage more confusing than it needed to be. I got the impression that nobody wanted to claim Brunhilda as blood. Well, her mother was, I think, but her father is in doubt at least in my mind.
Brunhilda was a third or fourth cousin, several times removed, on Mom's side before the later generations of beautiful women like myself and Zelda were conceived. Ugly wouldn't quite describe Brunhilda. She was a Nordic blond from her assumed father's side, big-boned and horsey-figured, but without the grace of a filly. (I thought she looked more like the mailman, but that's just my opinion. Most of the photos of Brunhilda as a girl revolved around her picking up the mail from a tall blond uniformed fella whose profile resembled Brunhilda's, especially the lack of chin and abundance of nose). She was once married to one of Gutsy husbands, number three, I think. Her eyes were large, blue and bulging--probably from a thyroid condition, and this was complimented by what we thought was a goiter but turned out to be a wad of Double Bubble that she had mis-swallowed as a child and it hardened and calcified and she was too poor to have it removed until she married Tush and he insisted on it. Her skin, pasty and translucent, reminded one of a plastic milk jug. She had a sound, ostensibly called a laugh, that could clear a room in Ohio and set off motion detectors in Tennessee.
If Brunhilda had at least had Gutsy's moxie or even as much intelligence as Tiddlewinks, one could have understood her popularity with the opposite sex. "Dumber than an earthworm, uglier than sin on the Atkin's diet. She must be damn good in bed," commented Tiddlewinks in the infamous diary.
Her hometown of Pussbucket, MO, population 234, gave her the key to the city--not for Pussbucket, but for the neighboring town of Sharkbait. Property values immediately dropped in Sharkbait and she was given a train ticket for anywhere in the States, at least as far as Sharkbait's budget would allow. Eventually, she found her way to Toledo, OH where she lived out her days of men, money and misery. Pussbucket , incidentally, went on to fame as the most beautified city in the US of A.
After a couple of horrendous liaisons and a failed marriage or three, Brunhilda settled into a life of an overstuffed couch, coconut bonbons and professional wrestling fanaticism. After being turned down as a round girl she settled for being a chapter fan club founder and president. In the days before VCR and DVD, Brunhilda had her own set-up. She put a old-fashioned camera (acquired from one of her tours of Paramount in the 40's--Tiddlewinks didn't say how, and while Zelda and I have our suspicions we have never voiced them) in front of the television, made a recording and played it back on a white sheet. She was especially fixated on Gorgeous George with his blond locks, the midget tag team and the criminal Gallagher Brothers.
When she occasionally tired of the spoof, she would turn to the Three Stooges, gurgling at their antics until the earthquake center in Wisconsin reported 5.7 tremors and traced the epicenter to her home just outside Toledo. It is also reported that she once pounded the floor so hard in hysterical fits (after watching one of the exploding cake episodes) that at least six gurus in diverse corners of the world predicted with exhilarating confidence that the end was near, a great avalanche occurred in the Himalayas and a tidal wave of epic proportions in the mid-Atlantic wiped out the entire population of herringbone tweedie tweetie birds on Stugotz Island.
Brunhilda did have some accomplishments in spite of her sullied reputation, incredible lack of looks and her abysmal intellect. She is said to have invented a push-up bra--a pair of hands holding up one's mammaries to their best advantage. It failed in the marketplace, however, because the hands kept moving and that looked silly under a taffeta shirt even though it certainly attracted attention, one of whom was the multi-billionaire son of a Texas oilman who wanted nothing (I repeat--NOTHING) more than to watch Brunhilda's quad-D's walk back and forth in front of him for hours on end. She got a nice divorce settlement after he finally got around to looking at her face.
As I read through the diary, I am amazed at the details Tiddlewinks left out, and the obscure ones she calligraphied (Tiddlewinks never just wrote anything!). She never mentioned Brunhilda's ability to tell a story or to cook a meal for two that would feed twenty.
It's hard to believe that Zelda and I were related to her, isn't it?
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