From the Diary: Hiswife

Hiswife had a given name, Justina, I think it was, but back in those days she was so often referred to as "his wife" that eventually the nickname stuck.  Hiswife decided to go into politics before most women had political ambitions, and, indeed, before they had the right to vote in most states.  Her frustrated husband, Webster, disapproved, but stopping Hiswife from doing what she wanted was like trying to stop me from eating peanut butter.  She would go on a rant, starting about Washington (the man, not the city) and ending...well, not ending, which drove him crazy.

Hiswife decided she needed a cause if she planned to win any kind of seat in Fleabasket County. From there Hiswife  dreamed she would go  to the state senate, then to the governorship, maybe even president someday. She made a list of everything that troubled her in the small community of Looselice and went to work.

First of all,  Fleabasket County was a hotbed of bugs. Little bugs, big bugs, bedbugs, biting bugs, creepy crawlies and head lice.  Her slogan became "Bugs Out!' and since the other candidate's name was Butthorn Bugs, well, the men (not the brightest of creatures in Looselice) thought she meant him, and since they didn't like Butthorn Bugs  much anyway because he cheated at Texas Hold 'Em, they voted for her. The women, who were a majority in Looselice and had the vote, knew exactly what she meant and came out in swarms (so to speak) to vote for the eradication of insects.

So Hiswife became the first woman custodian of Looselice and probably would have stayed in office till she died, except for one bug in the ointment. Community council voted to merge with the neighboring township of Westofhere and her office was abolished as part of the agreement. I heard it went up for grabs in a game of Penny-Ante, but I have no documentation of that.

The "bugs out" slogan didn't work so well during the state race and went nowhere when she ran as a candidate for president although her idea that women everywhere should vote did catch on. She made a small fortune on fly traps and sticky strips, hair wash made from kerosene and tiny little combs which she called nitpickers. Sales of anti-itch creams dropped considerably under her watch.  The sales of convenience foods grew exponentially because nobody cooked from scratch anymore. Yes, it was a shame to see her reign end.

Webster was so proud of Hiswife that he quit his job as a soap salesman to become Hiswife's campaign manager when she decided to run for mayor.  His untimely death due to the bite of a black widow spider made Hiswife even more determined to succeed at the political game.  Her new slogan would be "Stomp Out Arachnids!"......

And since the mayor's name was Arachnid Redbelly, and he wasn't well-liked anyway because he cheated at Texas Hold 'Em, well, her political web caught all the people and she went on to serve eight and a half terms.

I don't know why Tiddlewinks included Hiswife in the diary because I can't see how she could be related to me and Zelda unless it's from the time great-great granduncle Protrude  (also called "Probe") went out west with the harem girl and came back with ringworm, three puppies, eleven kids and a scorpion called 'Ray'.