Too Late

In spite of being the type of person who needs to be universally loved, I have to recognize the fact that I am not.  There are some people who will fight my open arms all the way.  There are some who are not worthy to be called friend.

Sounds harsh, doesn't it?

There are those who showed promise, at first, to be genuine friends.  Our laughter was easy, the conversation light.  There were philosophical differences, but those left room for discussion, not argument.  We were bound by shared minutes of the past, and the common ground of the present, or so I thought.

A misunderstanding grew out of proportion because the so-called friend would not discuss it.  My questions went unanswered.  Simple queries went unnoticed.  One day there was bantering and chatter.  The next, there was nothing.  It has been months.  I have tried. She has not.

It is sad that such a relationship has to die.  We could have had some fun kayaking or walking, shopping or biking or even having coffee on a morning when neither of us was headed for work.  It could have been the kind of comforting friendship that is necessary for growth. It didn't turn out that way.  It could have been avoided; a simple yes, no, I don't want to, why---instead of absolute silence.

What I saw as shyness and sweetness comes across now as arrogance and stubbornness.  How does she see me?  I suppose as argumentative and pushy, with a pit bull mentality of getting hold of something and not letting go.  Well, I have let go.  If God wants us to be friendly, He will have to fix it; I have done my part.

I am disgusted with myself for trying so hard, so long.  I don't know now why I thought this single friendship was worth so much effort.

I am learning the hard way.  My exuberance at the idea of rejuvenation took a turn somewhere, becoming an exercise in introversion.  The lesson I have learned today, after a lot of thought and prayer, is that not everybody wants the love and friendship I am willing to give.  Not everyone finds me irresistible to be around.  I have to accept that.  I have many, many friends I can count on.  I will work on building and cementing those bonds instead of trying to forge others that are frankly not worth the trouble.

You, my would-be friend, are missing out on an adventure.  As I change and grow, I had hoped you would be one of those who came long.  We could have tried new things that our spouses would think  silly. We could have had serious talks that solved the problems of the world, alleviated some of the everyday boredom, worked out at the Y to get in shape for summer fun.  Instead, you won't even say hello.  If you told me what I did wrong, maybe we could begin again.

No?  Well, then I guess it is too late.  Good-bye.