Chapter Two. Meet Gutsy

Great grand aunt Tiddlewinks had a very best friend by the name of Miss Gutsy.  No one ever said her last name out loud because she got married so often that no one could remember it, and Tiddlewinks only referred to her as Gutsy or "that damn red-headed man-stealing witch" or something similar.  She lead me to believe that Gutsy was a knock-out, but as I remember her, well, she wasn't.

Gutsy was tall, probably six feet, maybe six-two. She was slim to the point of being emaciated. She, like Tiddlewinks, had long spiralled nails, only hers were immaculately kept and generally painted in something that included sparkles. She said she had so many diamonds that she crushed one on occasion just to do her nails. My childhood self believed her. Even today, I wonder.  Gutsy's hair was fire-engine red, an unlikely hue, with streaks of sometimes-blond, sometimes-silver, and worn Marge Simpson style. Her eyes were squinty, pig-like and small, often red-rimmed with drink.

Gutsy had been married eight times--only once for love. After Leland died, she married for cash. By the time Henry (the eighth) came along, she could have bought and sold Bill Gates. She may have, for all I know.  Too bad she was so cheap. She'd even buy two-ply bathroom tissue and carefully separate it into two rolls. She loved to travel. She stayed at hotels with breakfast included, stock up on the offerings and never ate another meal unless someone else was buying.  Her rare moments with generosity were often shamed upon her by Tiddlewinks who was usually the recipient.  Everybody knew it was blackmail, and I'm surprised Tiddlewinks lived to enjoy the fruits...it must have been a doozy.

On one trip, according to the infamous diary, She and husband number four (maybe it was five, Tiddlewinks just called him Adonis) went for a tour of the mid East.  Gutsy apparently imbibed a bit, and went a little crazy. Some Arabs told Gutsy that she was expected to wear a burka in their country...oh, geez, you may as well have told Gutsy it was illegal to ride a camel naked down Broadway, only of course it wasn't Broadway, it was somewhere in Persia, and she did indeed have a burka which she sat on as she whooshed down Main Street, nude from her piled-high red hair to her diamond-encrusted toenails while Adonis hung his head and cried.  I understand they still talk about her and in fact have a rendition of her naked ride on the underground beer bottles.

After an enormously wealthy Adonis died under extraordinary circumstances ( Gutsy had an alibi, provided by husband-to-be number six, which I find to be a little fishy and I'm sure had something to do with his demise after a few months, but, hey, I'm only speculating here), Gutsy and Tiddlewinks went on a spending spree.  Among the treasures was a glass company and a brass/woodwind group with a soloist who specialized in high C notes.  Think about it.

Husband number seven was apparently nondescript, being a accountant for a big corporation in Utah. Utah law, almost as antiquated as my home state, only allows the sale of alcohol in state-run stores. Two things happened simultaneously:  several million dollars came up missing--eventually being found in a Cayman Island bank with Gutsy's name on it, and Ebeneezer died in a blizzard, waiting in line for the state store to open, already loaded to the gills. His dying words mentioned Gutsy, but it was more of a declaration of her guilt than his love.  No matter, who believes a drunk embezzler?  Gutsy vanished for a time along with countless millions.  When she came back, Henry (the eighth) was in tow, bedazzled by Gutsy, the front of his several-thousand-dollar suit wet with drool, his platinum Rolex on his wrist, his teeth gold implants and his pockets fat with cash.

Henry was mugged shortly after his arrival but, of course, Gutsy had an alibi again.  No one noticed the gigolo who sported a platinum Rolex, nor the five-carat cuff links that became earrings on Gutsy's sizable lobes.  She and Henry stayed together for some time; Henry  either was crazy about Gutsy or crazy.  He ended up babbling away in a private mental hospital--owned by guess who?--and guess who managed his assets?

Incorrigible.  I wonder how Tiddlewinks remained on civil terms with Gutsy and why the men flocked to her.

Chapter three to come.