Influence

There are people who have influenced me, good and bad, for all of my life.  Some did it on purpose, some didn't even know that they were making me sit up and take inventory of myself. 

Around the time Mom died (I seem to use that single incident as a landmark), I came back into contact with several old friends.  Some wrote when they read of her death, some I met again on Facebook.  Hearing from them, seeing them, made me realize a lot of things that were missing from my life.

I have a good man for a husband, loving sons and almost-daughters-in-law, terrific grandkids and a host of relatives and friends.  So explain, please,  why did I feel so alone and isolated?

I spent the time on my long drive home examining that.  My job keeps me working alone.  I see people, but not friends.  I managed somehow to distance myself from many old friends, and I am not sure why.  I crave validation of my worth; I don't know why that is, either.  There are those who say they don't understand my blog.  I tell them it is because we are on different roads.  My road is to find happiness inside myself, to embrace being alone with myself; they might have found that already, or they might be afraid to look.  It sounds easy, but it's not.  I still have the old image issues to deal with, and the insatiable need to be liked.

Some of those old friends (and some new ones, too) encouraged me to get myself moving.  A simple walk one day turned into a commitment to work out at the Y.  Some encouraged me to start this blog.  That has turned into nearly one hundred of my ramblings.  Each one has opened up another little piece of the puzzle that is me.  One suggested I looked a little frumpy, another said I was stunning.  I chose to believe....frumpy.  I started taking better care of myself.  I found I needed to exercise my faith and joined a church.  My Scrabble buddies have provided me with opportunities to be gracious (I hope)  at winning and at losing.  I have discovered the mindless joy of Facebook games, chat and secret groups.  I can't tell you how many times a day I open email to see who has taken time to think of me.

Next week I will see my Pittsburgh teammates for the first time in nearly six months.  I wonder if any of them will notice a change in me?  I hope they like it.

So, I'm working on it.  My attitude is changing, my interests have expanded.  By the time my birthday gets here, I hope to be a new improved version of me.

SOMEBODY better throw me a party!