Survival

It has been an interesting week.

The team meeting went pretty well with a few minor glitches--like half the team sick, in pain, on meds that made them sleepy or just plain testy. I had some laughs, some good food and the best night's sleep I've had in ages.  Tomorrow we all resume the everyday chores.  I need to cook again, the laundry is waiting, a new cycle has begun on the job.    Facebook needs updated and there are blogs to be written.  There are friends I haven't spoken to in awhile.

I had my second letter to the editor published. Two for two, not bad.  They did some editing for space and left out my punch line and changed my title but I guess I can forgive that.  And, of course, we cannot forget that the world as we know it is ending on Saturday.  I am not scoffing--I don't have the answer and I don't believe Harold Camping does, either.  If he is right, I am prepared. If he is wrong, I will survive another day.

The trouble is that for too many of my adult years I have just survived.  I have existed.  I haven't, until recent months, taken on any great challenges.  I am enjoying the revitalized me.  I am enjoying the wacky Facebook pages to which I have been introduced.  I am enjoying talking about memories with old friends.  I love my new-found passion in writing. I am looking forward to this summer of whitewatering, kayaking and whatever else comes along.  So much to do, so little time.

I see people I know doing exciting things.  One is off to China, another to Hawaii, another to the Outer Banks.  Godspeed, my friends.  Still another is enjoying a political career, others have new jobs.  Some are getting married and some are suddenly single; many are retiring.  I'm happy for them, but I don't want to be them. I'm starting to like being me.

I had a lot of time to think when  coming home from Pittsburgh.  I got caught in two thunderstorms so severe that I and several others had to pull off the highway.  I saw the power of the wind and the rain and the lightning.  I opened myself to the universe to harness some of that energy.  I let the rain fall on my face and the wind play with my hair.  I couldn't remember the last time I did that on purpose.  Home again, I napped, not dreaming.  I wanted to stay awake late into the night, while the house is very quiet, to sop up what is left of the energy and to reflect on what I learned at the meeting--not the new products or the HR rules, but about this group of friends and myself.

I no longer want to be only a survivor.  I want to live every moment myself, not vicariously through my friends.  I want to be open to new things from people to food to music to life experience.  I want to learn, and I want you to teach me.  I promise to be a good student.

I have discovered in some small ways what it feels like to be alive instead of to merely survive.  The little stuff fits like a jigsaw puzzle, each piece added to another until they grow into a whole picture.  I have been working on the straight-edged frame for some time; now it is time to fill in the middle.  I don't know yet what the whole picture will be--just that it will be gloriously colorful, quietly charming and several pounds slimmer.  I hope that there are those who will want to be a part of the puzzle, even if it just a small corner, and not be the missing piece.

Like the folks on the reality show, I don't want to be voted off the island.  I want to work some more, play some more, win some more.  Unlike them , I will no longer be content with surviving.  I'm going to live.