Still Here

Well, if the Rapture happened as planned, Erie, PA must have a lot of heathens.

We were at a picnic for my grandson's fifth birthday. All we saw was a bunch of stray balloons.  Our family, friends and neighborhood remain intact.  There was no earthquake, no looters, no planes falling from the sky.  I'm a little disappointed.

When I said my prayers, I told Him I wasn't worthy of being one of the chosen.  I said I would be willing to stay behind and take care of the scared and the animals.  I would minister to the unsaved. I would help the wicked change their ways.  I would help them to become believers.

Before you say to me, "Marilyn, how selfless of you!  How brave!", let me finish.

I will remain because God knows I am Lot's wife. 

All this about being a Christian is true, my faith is strong.  BUT--I still haven't rid myself of the materialistic tendencies.  I love life.  I love my family and my house and my dog and my possessions.  I love this new thing I am starting.  I love the lake and the sky.  I love the earthly pleasures.  There is so much I want to do, so many friends I haven't made, so many I need to forgive and so many who need to forgive me.  I don't want to leave all this in spite of the unhappiness I sometimes feel.

It hit me today as six o'clock approached.  I was afraid it was true, that I might be leaving this life.  I know that Heaven is millions of times better.  I'm sure it was Satan who wants me to stay behind for his own reasons. 

I escaped into the house under the guise of stretching my back to relieve the tension.  No one questioned my tears; they assumed they were from pain.   They didn't know the truth until now.

I am trying to be a better person.  I am filled with so much love that I want to share it. Yet I still have this need to be human.  If it was a matter of push or shove, I would choose God, at least I hope I would. Today I wasn't so sure.  It's a painful thing to admit. Please don't think less of me. I have to live with this realization.  I want to be good; I'm learning that I am not.  What a revelation.

I went over the list of the things in which I believe, the things and the people and the places I love.  I have told you that I am prepared, I'm just not ready.  Today I found out how true that statement was.

I am not ready.