I don't feel like Christmas. Putting up a tree and decorating like I used to seems pointless. I have no Christmas spirit. I get the fulfillment I need at church. I just don't feel it at home.
Neither of my clients is doing much decorating. At my other job, I am bombarded with Christmas trappings, including music for the last two weeks. My fave radio station has switched to an all-Christmas format, but it is mostly singers who think they can improve on the old classics. A girl sings about the Grinch as though she likes him, and what is SANTA BABY without the boop-boop-de-do? It's lacking somehow. I haven't heard Josh Groban yet, or Gene Autry, or chestnuts roasting on an open fire. And no White Christmas or TSO!
I remember a time when I loved the holidays. There was plenty of family around, lots of cookies and gifts stacked everywhere. My little tree, flocked in white, had red and white lights, cardinals and doves and some crystal ornaments. The mantel, passed from Mom to Grandma to me, held stockings that Mom had crocheted years before, and there were three--no, four--Nativity sets around. Old-fashioned Santas with elegant robes (my favorite) and Nutcrackers graced the tables and poinsettias bloomed everywhere. My Santa collection, mostly four to six inches tall, were in the curio cabinet. The printer's box that Dad fixed held dozens of teensy Santas and ornaments. There was evergreen and pinecones, red bows to tie back the curtains and a big wreath on the front door.
I made candy in those years, chocolates and fudge, colorful chocolate suckers, homemade caramels and hard tack. Dinner was a production--a buffet on Christmas Eve, breakfast on Christmas morning, a ham with all the trimmings Christmas afternoon. We visited family, or they came to us. We watched movies like A Christmas Carol, Miracle on 34th Street, Christmas Story.
I looked at the Christmas towels today, still packed in the box from two years ago, the same box that held the ornaments. I dusted off my three foot tall Nutcracker, but I didn't put it up. I've lost interest in the holidays. Chances are Hubby will have to work anyway, and I probably will, too, at least in the morning....it isn't the same anymore...
I could use a miracle, Lord. Something to bring back the joy. I don't want to drive away my family and friends with my sadness. I know the real meaning of Christmas, and I celebrate it in my heart. It's just that I don't feel a part of it anymore. I feel like everybody is doing their own thing and like I am not included. Oh, I know that isn't true, but it doesn't stop it.
I want a miracle, Lord. Something that will make me feel like it is really Christmas. Lord, you know what I want most for Christmas, and it isn't something Santa can bring me. I don't want the day to be interrupted with work. I want to WANT to decorate and to have no excuses why I can't celebrate. I want to be able to go to church without having to excuse myself because Hubby needs the car to go to work, or because I have to. I want to be full, Lord. You know my needs.
The past year or two have been filled with ups and downs. There have been days where I felt complete and days when I've felt empty. I know it will pass, it always does. The holidays are so hard because I remember them when they were better, when my own kids were small, when Mom and Dad were here, when Grandma would buy everybody sweaters and drink highballs like water; when somebody would read the Christmas story from the Gospel and we would have birthday cake. Somehow, those traditions got lost--and with them went my hunger for Christmas. It has turned into a reason to shop, to wrap, to open gifts and return them. The closeness is gone, the gifts are no longer tokens--they are expected. There is no more Christ in Christmas, it may as well be Santa Day.
So unless there is a miracle, there won't be a tree or a big festive Christmas dinner. There won't be a mantel full of pinecones and Santas; there might be a Nativity just to remind me of the real significance of the holiday. It isn't for me, it is for Him. Help me to remember that much, Lord, and please give me back my Christmas joy.
As I write tonight, I am aware that I was as caught up in the materialism as everyone else. I'm sorry about that. I gave my children the wrong message. Those aren't the things I miss most....I miss the driving around to look at the lights several times during the season...I miss everyone being there instead of somewhere else...I miss the birthday cake for our Lord. . .I miss the reading of the Gospel...I miss the decorations. . .I miss my folks and the way life used to be....
I need a miracle, Lord.....
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