Second Thoughts

Second thoughts.

Second guessing.

Second job.

Seconds.

Time passing.

Second helpings.
Second place.

Second chances.

I'm learning.  This is my second journey. I thought I had reached my goal. I didn't. It's my second chance.  Because I learned so much the first time, I am willing to try again.

Last year I didn't know who I was; I had assumed the identity of daughter, sister, wife, mom, grandma, even cousin.  I became a writer.  I became Marilyn. I tried some new things like kayaking. I changed my way of dress and began at the Y. I quit the job I had come to hate and started a new career.  I learned to like myself, a giant leap forward.  I thought I was done. I'm not.

Now what?

Well, I haven't put much effort into my book lately.  I haven't been to the Y in awhile. My Scrabble skills are fading.  I've gone into the dumps.  I haven't cleaned the basement.  I haven't looked for the Christmas stuff for the second year in a row. I still have pounds to lose.

So you see, all those things--well, some of them anyway--that I had put first gradually shifted to second or even third in importance.  I was gloating over my triumphs but avoiding the failures.

My clients have given me back some perspective. Not much older than I, they require my help to do the very things my good husband does for me; I am learning forgotten household skills again.  My work requires a uniform I hate;  I am losing my vanity. The cat defies me like my dog never would.  I am learning humility. I have made a friend with whom I disagree on almost everything; I am learning the fine art of debate without lasting anger.  These are lessons I didn't think I'd have to learn, but that's why I need a second trip down life's road.

So I take another step. I've recognized that I need to move ahead, not necessarily to the right or left.

I have to revisit my beliefs.

I have to keep writing my blog because that's the way I keep track--by re-reading from then to now, by keeping the cockiness under control, by letting the sadness blow to the four winds and binding precious moments to my heart.  My joy was overflowing....maybe I gave too much love away?  No, that's what love is for, isn't it?

The second time around and I've already learned something. Imagine that.