Obedience

Hubby and I have been married for 41 years as of a couple of weeks ago.

In the dubious wisdom of my youth, I did not promise to obey. Love, cherish, sickness and  health, rich and poor and all that.  Obey, no.

For most of our married life, I have barely thought of those vows.  They were a part of who we were, what we were doing.  We were very young.  We thought marriage was an easy way to be on our own. Hubby will deny it today, but that was a big part in our decision to marry when we did.  We wanted to; we didn't truly understand how long forever is. Do I regret it? No.  Do I wish I had better understood what it means to obey?  You betcha.

Marriage isn't the 50-50 hogwash we hear about from the young and starry-eyed. In fact, rarely is it even close.  More like 80-20, or 10-90.  Somebody is always in charge some of the time.  It isn't always right, it isn't always fair.  Toes get stepped on occasionally.  I know of couples who actually had a contract written of who does what.  What then? Do you drag it out and say, "Hey! You were supposed to clean the toilet 6.9 hours ago! Well, I'm not doing it even though you're in the process of passing a kidney stone!"  Obedience is also part common sense and compromise.

Back in the late sixties and seventies the women's movement had its roots.  Equality! they shouted.  I tell you now, equality comes with a hard price.  Do I believe in equal opportunity? Yes. Do I believe in equal pay for equal work? Yes.  Does equality mean never giving in a bit, never obeying, because it is so much more important to be right, or absolutely equal?  No.  Do I believe men and women are the same animal? A resounding NO.

We have grown up a lot, Hubby and I.  Some days we are, as the Bible says, one flesh. We think alike, except about politics.  We like the same music, except he prefers 60's (early) and I prefer 60's (late) and 70's. We agree on food, except he likes ditalini with peas and garlic and my heritage draws me to tomatoes and ceci beans.  Those are silly things. We...uh...discuss...the big stuff until we find a common ground, or somebody walks out.  Obedience isn't agreeing for the sake of agreeing.  At times it is just picking your battles wisely.

Obedience isn't groveling at his feet.  It isn't giving up my core beliefs so that whatever he says I have to answer. "Me, too!".  It isn't even nodding all the time and never...uh...discussing....an issue at 120 decibels or in a whisper.

I've been going 'round and 'round,listening to newlyweds, listening to second-or-third timers and spouses-to-be.  I've been really paying attention, for some reason, to others' ideas of married life and vows and what it means to "obey".  I've concluded that most of us don't really know.  So, like I often do, I made my own conclusion and my own definition.  It works for me.

Obedience is not saying, "yes, dear".  It is being faithful to your God, your vows and your own beliefs.
Obedience is not 100% spouse, 0% you.  It is not 50-50.  It is accepting with love and grace our own shortcomings and those of our spouse, working within that framework to reach an agreeable plateau.  It doesn't mean we never get angry or experience frustration or even decide to end it all because, quite frankly. we have had enough. 

As Mrs. Billy Graham said (to paraphrase), "Divorce? No, I never considered it. Murder, however, has occasionally crossed my mind."