One Iz Silver, The Other Gold

Make new friends, but keep the old;  one is silver and the other gold.  It was a campfire chant, sung in rounds, when I was a Girl Scout.  At age eleven or twelve I didn't really understand.

Today I cried a long while over the loss of a friend.  No, there was no death.  Death would have meant closure.  The friend just....left.  I don't get it. Yes, I have asked.  No, no response.  I have begged, please tell me what I did wrong.

Several of my friends are as wise as the guru on the mountain top.  They tell me to let it go, that the dysfunction isn't worth the effort. They say that some people cannot be reached and we will never know why.    Some people stubbornly refuse to accept us as we are, and like the feeling of superiority when they turn us away.  Some are afraid to get too close.  I don't think there is such a thing.

My friends are right, of course.  When someone, be it a friend or family member,  saps your inner energy it becomes a burden, not a relationship.  Like a pit bull, I clench my jaw around what I think should be.   I need to learn to relax and let it go.   So someone doesn't like me.  Big deal.  Yes, it is.

On my journey to find me, I have made some discoveries.  I am a work in progress.   I have found places that offer me peace;  people and places that energize me.  I have found that my thoughts, while often  disconnected, don't seem so disjointed in print.  My plans are more concrete now.  I have reconnected with classmates and old friends.  I can now talk about the loss of my parents and remember the good times with smiles instead of sorrow.  I have laughed over childhood incidents and talked to cousins I haven't heard from in many years.   I am not whole yet.  I am getting there.

I stopped growing once, putting myself on hold.  That was a big  mistake.  A series of events jolted me awake.  I am grateful.  I no longer wish to stand still, but to keep moving forward.  I no longer want to hold on to relationships that don't work. The trouble is, I want them ALL to work.

So, my friend, I will welcome you back into my life any time you are ready.  There will be no argument, no recriminations.  Coffee?  Ice cream?  I'll treat.  I ask for nothing but your friendship.

"Hello, how've you been?" will do just fine.