Foreboding

In spite of my generally good outlook of the last few months, I have recently been hit with a deep sense of foreboding.  I can't seem to shake it off.  It comes and goes, in daydreams and night dream, out of the clear blue.  I might be reading or dancing or walking at Wintergreen.  I will suddenly feel the tears well up and spill down my face.  I feel so foolish.

Much of the turmoil inside me ended when I realized who I am.  I have become reacquainted with the old self and I like her.  This eerie feeling tells me that there are still unresolved issues in my past or present that I have to see clearly, and I mean now.  Maybe I need to get away for a couple of days.  I do that on occasion, but it is always associated with work.  No, this time I need to pitch a tent, take my cell phone and peanut butter and iced coffee and just think for a few days without distraction.

I don't know what is going to happen, or when.  I feel it in the air--a mixture of sadness, chaos, fear and uncertainty.  I don't know if it is global or personal.  I only know it isn't right.  It leaves me with tenseness, irritability and a state of confusion that I don't much like.  My friends think I'm getting nutty.  My husband can't believe I can be dancing one minute and chewing off his ear the next. 

I want it to stop.

I am not mentally ill, thank you for your concern.  I am at least as normal as you are (well, some of you anyway).  I don't think I am a clairvoyant, although Grandma H was, and I will tell you about her another day.  It is not mass destruction I see.  It is more like a 4.0 earthquake, enough to shake up one but not cause deep personal tragedy in most cases.  I do believe we are in the End Times, but that isn't it.  It's a restlessness, an uneasiness, a dissatisfaction that I can't put my finger on.  Is it me, or is it the world?  I don't know. 

I wish I could say this was the first time, but it isn't.  The feeling is often precipitated by something I read or dream or talk about.  The images are triggered, and then I begin the "what if?" process.  That part is OK.  We all have "what if?" days.  My imagination turns itself loose and pummels me with sweet dreams of fame and fortune and whatever.  I enjoy the rush.

Sometimes it is different.  Whether it is an unrecalled nightmare or something deeper, I don't know, only that it gives me these muddy water dreams.  Grandma always said nothing good comes from one of those dreams.

So as I drove to New Castle today and someplace else tomorrow, I will use the time to think, to plan and to try to resolve whatever is causing this uneasiness.  Bear with me, my friends.

Maybe I think too much.