One Step Forward

I have been on the road to self-discovery for many months.

I was getting cocky.  I found myself.  I found contentment. Ta Da! I had reached my goal!

Not exactly.

As soon as I got comfortable in my new skin, I learned lesson number 237.  Be careful what you wish for, and its corollary, want what you have.

Oh, boy.

Somebody has been shouting at me in my befuddled state, making me painfully aware that I am not done growing yet.  The contentment was only a deep breath in the asthma that is my life.

I have far more pacific moments now than I used to. It's just that now I know more about what isn't done.  It makes me a bit queasy.

It isn't depression, it isn't sadness.  Instead it is a restless spirit, one that wants to open every door and peek out every window just to see what is there. I wished, prayed, hoped for a new job, some excitement and some other more private things.  I am beginning to see that I should learn to want what I have and to not want what is not mine.  Not everyone has fame or riches or the thing that makes us concentrate on the unhappiness instead of the joy.

I call on God or on meditation when the restlessness fills me.  I need to walk or drive without destination.. I need to talk to someone who will not repeat what I say, nor nod as though hypnotized or bored.  Sometimes I need coffee, and that is all.  Sometimes I need it alone, sometimes I need to share a moment.  It isn't really the coffee, is it?  It is the need to absorb outside, unseen energy.

The unseen travels from you to me to him and back again.  Whether it is love or light or restlessness it ebbs and flows between us.  Is there someone who makes you feel tired, empty? Do others fill you with smiles and energy? My friend, those who leave you with the desperate feeling? Those are the ones who sap you and are unwilling to give of themselves enough to quench your thirst.  They have put up a force-field of sorts that enables them to keep what they have as though it is precious, yet it would be worth much more if it was shared, whatever it is.

My restless side is searching for others who, like me, are so full of love and energy that I can feel it.  They don't just take, they give.  This is what I want in my life.  We feed our bodies, so why are we so anxious  about feeding our spirits?

So my restless spirit has taught me something.  I need to want what I have, yet  surround myself with those who will give me the energy to aspire to what I am capable of being.  I will be careful of what I wish for, because it may not be in my best interest long-term. Whew! Heavy, man.

I was hoping that my first breath of contentment would last forever...but it didn't.  I am still moving forward, however, and making discoveries as I go on.  Will the restless spirit ever quiet itself?

I remember wishing that would be so; now I hope it never does.

I have found that it is the restless spirit that makes me grow.