From Within

Over the last week or so I have spent some time, though not nearly enough, on reflection. I am trying to understand some things like my attraction to people, places, events.  Like why I can transfer so readily my addictions from one to another.  From soft drinks to gin to food to Facebook games, to the Y and back again, like big loops and rings intricately intertwined.  One step forward, one step back.  I must have taken two ahead at some point because I am better than I was.

It has been more than a year now of new experiences, one after another.  New friends, old friends revisited, new job; things that have touched me in ways I wouldn't have believed a year ago.  Simple pleasures, most of them.  Life-altering, some of them.

Yet I remain vaguely dissatisfied in many ways.

The feeling of foreboding is still with me, though it has lessened to be better described as apprehension.  Something is missing.  My subconscious is looking for something I cannot find in the material world.  I get irritated too easily with the day-to-day.  I snap at the dog and Hubby.  I sleep to escape.

I worry about things over which I have no control--a friend's illness, lack of faith in God, stubbornness or unforgiving attitude.  I wonder, even obsess, over why someone doesn't like me or why I am so lazy at times.  I hear people yell at each other (or worse, ignore each other) and I want to ask them why.  Life is too short.

My goals have changed, my bucket list has grown, my desires and needs have been revised.  Some things I am sure of, yet I am... what?  Too lazy or too afraid to reach for them? Afraid of what? Rejection? Failure?  or success?  Is it the fear of the unknown?  Am I too cautious about consequences?  Am I too impulsive?

I am more certain of what I don't want than what I do want.  So many questions.

I want to put God in a fancy bottle, like my own personal genie, who will grant my every wish whether it is good for me or not.    I want Him to explain all these rantings to me and answer all my inquiries. I want Him to give me signs and portents to show me He is listening to my every word and will answer me instead of me having to wait to hear Him.

I ask for peace.  I want to know instead of guessing.  I want to be told where I am going wrong and how to turn around, not from you, not from a human perspective.  People's ideas tend to be brutal with their own ideas of truth; they call it honesty, I call it criticism.  No, I am looking for creativity and gentleness from within.

I know what my physical body needs--food and water, exercise, rest, human touch, faith and humor.  The mental state is another matter.  It needs much the same thing, only more delicately balanced.

I will find that balance someday.  I will get the answers I seek, probably from an unlikely source.

Maybe from within myself.