Intimidation

All of my life I have had fears. I followed the rules because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't. I was always a people-pleaser, afraid that they wouldn't like me if I didn't fit the mold. I never wanted to be laughed at, never wanted to be alone.

So here I am today, almost 62, and where am I? Pretty much the same place I was 45 years ago.

Oh, I've made changes since Mom's passing (and why do I tell my time by the end of hers?), but not the ones that need to be made.

Why have I not published my essays? I am afraid of success, or of failure. Why have I not gone back to school? I am afraid I am not as smart as I once thought. I've no desire to be ridiculed.

Why am I not satisfied with any job I get? Because, save one, I feel like I'm being patronized by my younger colleagues.

Why have I not traveled as much as I'd like? It is always something--no money, no time, no one who ants to go along, no one who can go along.

Inhibitions have their place in our lives, lest we run amuck with greed and lust and the other five deadly sins. However, when inhibitions and fear begin to rule us so that pleasures of all sizes are rare...well....then we need to rethink our fears.

I am a packrat. Why? What is the mechanism of fear that makes me save things? Some of it is need, some of it is sentiment. The logic with which others see my treasures as junk is foreign to me. I am an emotional packrat, too, unwilling to let go of people and feelings that have caused me heartache or anger and with whom I should be done. There is always that hope that things will get better.

I want to go tubing down the hills of the Peak. I want to go whitewater rafting. I want to publish my essays. I want to take a road trip-- by myself --down the east coast. I want to float down the lagoons again in a kayak. I want to go in a hot air balloon. I want a convertible (hard top) '56 T-bird (red, maybe, or white, or light blue). I want to learn to sing and paint. I want to open a lingerie shop. What is intimidating me?

I am afraid of the unknown. I've never been one to face fearlessly whatever is beyond the door...and the door isn't even locked, only closed....sometimes it is ajar and still I fear the other side.

I am not afraid of death because my heart is certain of the outcome.

I am afraid of life.