Welcome to the ruminations and meanderings of my almost-senior mind. Laugh, cry and think with me; get angry if you must. Some of you will find yourselves in these pages. If you do, it is because you have created a special memory. If you don't, well, you just might see yourself someday. I just haven't gotten to you yet.
When my Mom died this past Memorial Day weekend, something happened to me inside besides the anger at her death and the sorrow that has followed. Out of the manure of depression grew a new sense of being. Emotions I had not had for years came welling up. I began to think of myself not as another slightly frumpy hausfrau but as a beautiful, vibrant, intelligent woman with a gift.
Grandma Hess used to tell me when I was oh, maybe ten or so, that I had the gift of healing. Maybe I do; not of the physical body, but of the essence. I am learning to recognize that I can touch people with my words--strangers and friends alike. I have a gift for talking to others in a grocery store, like to the woman who admired my pink fur coat and ended up telling me of her car accident a year ago (was scalped, had 37 fractures,internal injuries and survived). Or to the fellow at the Y who has told me his adventures since he retired. It comes easily, and it is helping me to become the person I want to be.
My job is mostly solitary. I work with a wonderful team, but rarely see them. Those I meet daily I am trying to sell, or point out the flaws that affect their businesses. I've been feeling isolated.
I joined the Y mainly as a safe place to walk. What I found was a slew of acquaintances who are rapidly becoming friends. In addition to becoming more physically fit, there is a human element involved that I can't explain. I like it.
I joined a church. I knew that I needed spiritual guidance and the fellowship of other believers. The warmth at Messiah Lutheran has lifted me beyond all expectations. I am beginning to feel whole.
You won't find much political rhetoric on these pages. I respect the values of my ultra-Conservative husband and friends, my Socialist Scrabble buddy and the Liberal leanings of my best friend from high school. Me? Guess you could call me sort of a Stossel Libertarian--the teach-a-man-to-fish philosophy; leave me alone and let me do or die without your interference, thank you.
As for religion, I am a Christian and try to live that way. Whether you are a Believer or not; a Catholic or Protestant, a Buddhist or Jewish--that is yours to hold on to. I, for one, do not believe we are the result of some primordial pea soup. I personally believe this amazing world was created. I will not foist my religion on you, but I will not deny myself the right to express it. Recently I turned my whole life--the friendships, the family, finances, the clutter--all of it--over to my God to take care of it. I've always been a "fixer". I can't do it any more.
To all of you, whether family or friend, acquaintance or stranger--I hope my words will touch you. May they make you laugh or cry or think. If there is any among you whom I have hurt or wronged, made angry or sad or frightened in any way--I am sorry, and I ask your forgiveness that we might begin again. I really am a nice person when you get to know me.
These pages are dedicated to you.
You are a good person my friend. :)
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