There are a few points of reference I tend to use in assessing my life in general and my re-birth in particular. One of them is my high school days, another is my mother's passing last year.
There have always been people, then and now, who have brought out the best in me. With them I've felt free to speak my mind, to share dreams and joys, to be honest with my innermost feelings. Others leave me shy and tongue-tied. There are those who I barely knew back then, but talk to on a regular basis today. There are those to whom I never speak, and I'm not sure why.
In the past year or so I have lost a lot of the shyness that plagued me much of my life. Maybe shyness is the wrong word. It's been more of a reticence, a fear of standing up for myself, a fear of offending. Today I will demand answers to questions that a few years ago I would not have asked. I'm filled with an overwhelming need to show the intense love that has been building up inside. Some find that intimidating. I don't mean to scare anyone. I don't mean to appear pushy or eccentric. I just want to know the answers.
For so long I was afraid of what others thought of me. I was the biggest people-pleaser around--never make waves. No more. I am learning to ask for what I need. I may not always get it, but I expect a response to my queries, be it positive or negative. Ignoring me won't make me go away, it will only intensify my need for answers.
I've been praying a lot lately, not for the material things I used to think nothing of asking from God. Instead I have been praying for strength to endure (not for patience), the ability to use my words to touch one person's life, one time; enough faith to bring those I care about to believe in His word instead of rejecting Him. The selfishness that was once my mantra, my raison d'etre, has mellowed quite a bit. Oh, I still get the "I wants", but, as a trusted friend said to me, I need to look more closely at the "I haves".
I spent some time with one of my friends of many years who doesn't believe I was ever shy or needy. Well, that's because I trusted her completely, then and now, to see the real me. She knows my best and my worst, my truth and my failures, my secret desires and my supreme lack of self-image. She is there, no matter what. We didn't talk for a lot of years--not out of anger; some of it, maybe all of it resulted from my own self-centeredness. Whatever it was, we have picked up where we left off. I am so grateful for her and my other friends that have reappeared from my past. They remind me not so much of who I was, but of who I am becoming. They keep me grounded, but let me fly. They give me answers before I ask the questions.
It doesn't matter where I am these days. I may be working at a Walmart or shopping for groceries at Wegman's. I could be checking out people on Facebook. I may be refilling my soul with the wonderment that is Lake Erie, or visiting my parents' final home. It might be the evening ritual at the Eastside YMCA, the co-op on Tuesday or the coffee shop on Thursday morning. I am always looking for the one person or the many with whom I have failed. I want to tell him--her--them--that I have changed, please forgive me. I will not be too shy to ask the questions.
All I want these days is an answer.
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