Next Chapter: Toobald and Hirsute

From Tiddlewinks' diary, I can't discern if Toobald and his Siamese twin Hirsute were actual blood relation or just friends who became ingrained into family rites.

I do know that the two were inseparable, physically as well as emotionally, for many years of their lives.  They shared in common no organs, but a strangely configured ten-toed foot.  The chink in the armour of their separation was that they hated doctors, surgeons in particular. As children someone complained about his tonsils hurting and both had theirs removed. Years later when the other had a bad appendix, both were taken. And then there was the wisdom teeth fiasco.  You get the idea.  So when a perfectly competent surgeon suggested the foot separation, well, you can imagine their thought processes.

I never said they were smart.

Actually, Toobald and Hirsute got along just fine until about 1972 when Toobald got tired of Hirsute shedding dandruff all over his black turtleneck and Hirsute resented wearing one big clunky specially made boot in a size fifteen quad-J width and simultaneously decided he wanted a gender reassignment.
He tried psychiatric counseling, but of course Toobald had to be there and a sedative to knock him out during the sessions only made Hirsute upset because Toobald could have brought down the walls of Jericho with his snoring. Finally Hirsute put his foot down (the unshared one) and insisted they revisit the doctor who could disconnect them, so to speak.  Dr. Footloose (Ironic, isn't it?) did some tests and several weeks and thirty thousand dollars later made a miraculous discovery.  The two were conjoined by skin. Period. Snip, snip. Ten minutes tops and their biggest complaint became having to buy new shoes.

Well, Toobald thought that would be the end of the gender reassignment talk.  He spoke blissfully of finding a wife and having his own room, getting up to go to the bathroom when he felt like it and not having to wear trousers that snapped on one side but being able to pull both legs through them.  Best of all, no more dandruff!

Hirsute had longings, too, like not having to put underwear on over his head and to wear spiffy patent-leather sandals and to put on mascara without Toobald poking him with an elbow and nearly putting his eye out.

Here Tiddlewinks is a little unclear, not saying whether or not Hirsute went through with his surgery. I suspect he/she might have because Tiddlewinks later makes reference to a bearded lady in the Dingaling Brothers' Circus who went by the name Hairiette. Some of the photos show a manager in the wings who looks remarkably like Toobald and others have a blond (I think female, incredibly ugly) who resembles Brunhilda.  On her feet are those quad-J size fifteen boots.

My grandmother never spoke of Toobald or Hirsute in a harsh manner (although I understand the two did plenty of things that one could talk about). Kind and quiet as the day is long in July, Gramma preferred to let the boys be boys and the girls be girls and the Hirsutes of the world be Hirsutes.  They shared her table on occasion (any occasion--the two were remarkably cheap and would sponge a meal anyplace) and Grandad tried to teach them to drive but could only teach one because the other was on the wrong side of the car. The eventually solved that problem with an English Astin-Martin and took turns playing chicken with the semis on Highway 90.

I turned pages, fully expecting to read more of Hirsute and Toobald's adventures, but it was not to be. 

Instead, I found letters.