Energy Versus Ambition

I am healing from my acute (Nothing cute about it. Trust me.) illness. Physically, except for pain unrelated to the heart incident, I am fine. The meds I was given to strengthen my heartbeat have been adjusted and readjusted. They still need some tweaking.

I have more energy. My naps are shorter. I am cooking more than I did and enjoying it more than I have in months.  I'm once again walking, and staying up fairly late. I can't sit still. Only one thing holds me back.

I have no ambition.

I thought the drive to 'do' would come back with the energy part. Nope. My brain (perhaps having been deprived of its blood flow) has stagnated. Hubby wonders aloud if I had a lobotomy instead of heart surgery.

I have no ambition. In my mind I am weeding and sowing, decorating and cleaning out closets. In reality, I look at it and sigh and check my phone and my email. I play slots online. I make lists. I fill up Post-Its (which reminds me...I need more). I complain.

I get in the car to go shopping (mostly window), or to the lake or around the cemetery or to the Y. I have ice cream, or stop at the coffee shop, or go the park to schmooze with the critters.  

I have the energy to go places and do things as long as it is what I want to do. I have no ambition to look for a second job, or to finish the PDFs for my book or to clean out the laundry room. My body is willing. My brain is lazy.

 I probably need caffeine, but that's another story.

I'm tired of paperwork and doctors and bills and pills. I want to just have some fun, play a little and forget responsibility for awhile. I have the energy now.

I haven't the ambition.