Ugly

Did you ever have one of those days when you felt UGLY.  I don't mean just having a bad hair day. I mean UGLY. 

I'm having one of those days. I feel fat, old and a bit contentious. My skin looks pasty. My legs hurt. I need hugs. I feel UGLY.

I am not one who gives in to feelings of inadequacy any more. I have learned to go with the flow, to remind myself that I have a capable brain and a talent for certain things. My physical appearance ordinarily doesn't make people squeamish--except on days like yesterday when I had to look in a full-length mirror as I was changing into a hospital gown for an x-ray. UGLY.

Everybody loves you, says a very kind matron at church.

 Well, not everyone, I say to myself. I am reminded of long-lost friends and family who don't return my calls or emails. Only a handful, but still some. When I think of their rejection, I feel cantankerous, worthless and UGLY.  I think of "friends" on Facebook who "de-friended" me because I disagreed with something they said, or voiced my own opinion. Again, the rejection makes me feel UGLY.

I take teasing with a grain of salt and a dash of pepper. Depending on the source, I will give back as good as I get. Beware my tongue.

Criticism I shrug off, if it is given with sincerity and caring. If it is meant to be nit-picky and/or cruel I tend to explode like a meteor over Russia. I won't let it make me feel UGLY for long.

UGLY is more an attitude than a reality. I know I'm not the chick I used to be, but then, who is? A wrinkle here, a grey hair there, an extra pound or sewed-in new parts do not change who one is. We grow, we change. Sometimes we stagnate for years until something or someone suddenly wakens us from our self-imposed Rip Van Winkle-ness. We begin once again to pick up where we left off and begin to feel and grow all over again. Sometimes the new emotions are like a thunderbolt. We feel pretty and eager to enjoy life.

OK, so I give in to self-pity on occasion. I am still a teenager in my brain, and when I waken with the creaks and scars of this last traumatic year I have to look at my self-image and use words like 'maturity' and 'well-preserved'. 

And, sometimes 'UGLY'.