A Work In Progress

It was pointed out to me, none too gently, I might add, that while I seem to think my greatest sin is vanity--it isn't.  No, my friend pontificated, it is self-centeredness.  I stand corrected.

My blog, the friend went on, was all about ME.  Well, DUH....Also, that I seem to have too much pride in my nail art and my hair.  When I talked about gifts I had finally recognized, the friend pointed out my lack of ability to gain the friendship of some people that I would really LIKE to have as friends, yet they won't respond.  And on, and on, and on.... I never said I was perfect.

One point at a time.

Yes, I LOVE my nail art.  It is not of my doing, and I always give credit to Sue and Grace.  Yes, I show off my hands for the first time in my life.  They are beautiful.  That's a fact, not braggadocio.

Yes, I love my hair.  It is shiny and silver and I wouldn't think of coloring it brown or blond.  I like the way it looks in the sun.  I like the fact it is silky instead of coarse.  Again, all I do is wash it.  I got lucky in the gene pool.

On my road to renewal, there are three main points so far.

Number one, I need to grow spiritually.  I don't mean just religion.  Spirituality involves a whole set of beliefs--in God, yes, but also in oneself.  I need to make sure that what I believe is strong enough to defend.  Otherwise, it is mere wordplay.  Whether I stand alone or others share my beliefs is of no consequence.
Number two, I need to make amends, where I am able, to anyone I have hurt along the way.  Whether it was intentional, a misunderstanding or whatever doesn't matter.   It needs to be done so I can grow.

Number three, to get as much living as I can fit in to whatever years I have left.  That means to make myself healthier, to take more care in my appearance, to try different things...you get the picture.  Of course, there are a dozen corollaries and notes and conundrums to resolve.

It really frosted me when the friend said I am even  self-centered about my failures. citing the mustache thing, my admitted loathing of certain cities, the fact that I hate to sweat and the pounds I can't get rid of.  I didn't think that was self-serving, just honest.

Renewal, rejuvenation, whatever you want to call it, isn't easy.  Every stride I take includes a shuffle of priorities and ideas.  Every time I recognize a strength, I find its counterpart in weakness.  Every new person I befriend reminds me of those who were lost along the way, those who I desperately want back in my life.

Am I self-centered?  I guess I am.  In my quest to change myself I have turned inward for self-approval.  I am self-examining to find out who I am and what I like about myself.  If I don't like me, how can anyone else?

If I seem a little too vain, a little too self-centered, a little too loquacious , a little too pushy, a little too anything else--please forgive me.

I am a work in progress.