T.O.Y.

Thinking of you.

If you are reading this, we are most likely friends. If you are getting this by email, chances are I value your opinion or I wouldn't ask for your feedback.

Not so long ago, just a couple of years, you wouldn't be reading this.  For one thing, it had not yet been conceived, but that isn't the point.  You wouldn't have liked me well enough to bother.  I see this clearly now.  I see the friends I was "too busy" to call for coffee, the church I didn't bother going to, the reckless way I treated the people and things I cared about, the awful state I had allowed my body to become.

There for awhile, several years at least, I was without merit, for the most part anyhow. At least, looking back, that's how I see it.  Thank You, God, for those who loved me in spite of it all.

I wasn't Godless.  I had a wishy-washy faith that served me, sans building, preacher or fellowship.  Basically, I used prayer as begging, my God as a genie in a bottle, instead of worship, petitioning for my smallest need.  I didn't see it that way then, naturally.  I went the polyester pants suit route, figuring a jacket would cover up my flabby, frumpy body.  It didn't.  I was lazy to a fault, sometimes too lazy to take care of myself, too lazy to  think.   I got spurts of energy, to be sure, but nothing constant.  I lacked commitment, confidence and creativity.  I was incapable of returning what was given to me.

I didn't like myself very much. I don't think you would have either.

My husband would never have called me sexy or even pleasant in those years.  I'm sure he was disgusted with my failures.  Why he stayed, I will only guess.  He must have seen a glimmer of who I was once, or what I would become much later.

So what does this have to do with thinking of you?  Everything.

The unconditional love from my family wasn't enough. I  needed outside validation.

If you hadn't been there to give me encouragement, if you hadn't been there to suggest that I try something new, if you hadn't told me I was pretty--well, I wouldn't have bothered changing.  I was in such a low spot that it was pointed out to me many a time how "down" I sounded.  I needed a hand, and you offered yours to me.

I am new, although I have along way to go.  I'm not as selfish as I was. I threw out the shoes that pinched and the polyester jackets and with that simple exercise I regained some of what had been lost.  I'm still chubby, but I'm strong.  I'm willing to try something new.  If I can overcome my fear of kayaking and of sweating--well, I can do most anything.  Maybe I'll buy a bathing suit next season.

Every time I do something that I didn't think I could do, every time I set foot in my thank-God-I-found-it church, every time I renew an old friendship or make a new friend--I think of you.  I can walk a lot farther now, I've kept my blog up and running, I care about how I look.  I've learned to give love where it is needed.  I don't have to ask for it back; it comes to me from unexpected places.

You make me ponder;  you are the reason I stand up straighter and dress better. It is because of you that I am no longer afraid to scrutinize who I was and to be who I am.   You are my family and my friends.  You've given me all those things I didn't think I deserved.

Thank you.