Alibaba was one of Chester Macalvey's thirty-seven children by his nine wives and two concubines. Chester was a very busy man. He ran a grocery store to get all the family's food at a discount (and charged exorbitant prices to the rest of the folks in Dead Plants, Arkansas), worked part time at Ding and Felter's Department Store for the employee savings and bought their clothes at the thrift stores. He also had a small dairy farm, trained the middle kids to dumpster-dive and claimed that the youngest two were descendants of Anastasia (their mother was Czech, not Russian, but that didn't matter to Chester) in a reckless effort to gain the Russian throne. Not only was his claim dismissed, but he was forbidden to ever enter Moscow again. Since he had never set foot on Moscowian soil in the first place, he was not impressed.
Alibaba was daughter number six, born to our cousin (third, four times removed, I think--barely a relative at all, thank goodness). She was actually quite pretty if you viewed her from the left side and not at all from the right. Her right side resembled a carp--scaly and yellowish with this thing that looked like a fin sticking out only not as sharp. She had a striking figure, long golden blond hair, a big blue eye (sigh...yes, only one, the other was devoid of color and lashes. When one asked her if she could see out of it, she most often replied, "What?", so we were never sure if it was an eye after all, or maybe an ear).
She could be sweet as her left face or as mean as her right implied. Trust me. Mean.
I explained to her, after being victimized by one of her pranks that I won't discuss, that Murphy Brown was just a TV show and that Murphy had a nasty streak, yes, but it was all for comedy's sake. It isn't appropriate in the real world to do those thing, plus plenty more Murphy hadn't thought of. Like filling a Miata to the brim with water balloons. Like calling every pizza shop in town, asking them to deliver large supreme every fifteen minutes to a certain address on Pennsylvania Avenue (the Secret Service ate leftovers for weeks. Bubba got fat). Like opening the door to an ant farm in a spa that featured a honey-wrap, and rubbing habenero peppers on the door handles of the men's room at Quantico....oh, I could go on and on.
Eventually, the pastor at Snake Breath Believers Church in Yallcomebacknow, Kentucky (where she lived while being married to her first cousin, no times removed, until his death from an asp bite) decided she was possessed by son of Satan and ordered her to subject herself to a rattler calling contest. If the snakes came, she was NOT possessed, and if they didn't come, she was. (Did you guess the pastor only had a second-grade schooling?) I never found out what happened after she spewed pea soup and spun her head around clockwise and chased the snakes so far that none one in Yallcomebacknow has seen one since. Of course, that could be a fairy tale.
Last I heard, Alibaba was working in Washington, DC with forty thieves and some part-time lobbyists. She had cosmetic surgery and now resembles a carp from both angles. She decided to have the work-up because she didn't want anybody to think that everyone in Washington was two-faced.
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