Tootsweet

Toastre (AKA Gruntsmuch) had a daughter that no one knew about, except of course Tiddlewinks, possibly the girl's birth father (who I think may have been Troubadour, the singer in the rock group Night Terrors and Sweat) and probably cousin Zelda's paternal grand uncle Kibbles who had started the Kennel and met Gruntsmuch when he saw her dancing at Limber Puppies Nightclub.  (What kind of dogs did he breed? Well, he didn't exactly breed dogs. He was a undocumented {his word} plastic surgeon who specialized in women's breasts and affectionately called his operating studio 'the Kennel'. He also had a majority interest in Limber Puppies. Anyway....)

Tootsweet was her name, and a nicer person there never was.  She had none of Gruntsmuch's dance moves, couldn't sing the ABC's without the words in front of her and had frizzy blond hair (frizzy because it should have been black) she tied back with a chiffon scarf twisted into a big bow.  But she was a sweetheart, never arguing, always trying to give everyone she met a laugh and a compliment.

Gruntsmuch had given her up at birth, but little Tootsweet sniffed out her mother at the tender age of six and they instantly bonded. Her father by then had gone the way of many rock stars (into rehab) and had not much to do with Tootsweet until some years later when he began playing again and let her bang on the tambourine. When she hit a sour note (not hard for Tootsweet, even on a tambourine), they just played louder.  It is said that they set off car alarms in seven counties, but I don't believe it. Any one of our relatives could have done that.

Anyway, Tootsweet by her smile alone (one would rather not look at her face) could charm almost anyone. Her voice (while not a singing one) was still quite musical.  So when she met Moundsof Q. Moneybucks he simply fell in love BOOM! like a thunderbolt had come from the sky and singed his heart.  He and Tootsweet had twelve children, ten of them born with blond hair and black roots and two who resembled Shrek although he swore they never met.

Moneybucks and Tootsweet had adventures that amazed Zelda and me. One time she began to swing and sway to the music on a trip to India and seventeen cobras began to dance. Another time Moneybucks bought a genuine Rafeal (no, not Raphael)  and paid only twenty six hundred and thirty-two dollars and twelve cents plus tax because the vendor was so enthralled with Tootsweet. At Starbucks she got them free whipped cream on their lattes, and McDonald's left off the pickles when they saw her coming.  Even Barnes and Noble (the taxidermists, not the book sellers) had a special area of stuffed wolverines and hyenas that had Tootsweet's name on a plaque.  Somebody said she scared them to death and she brought their limp little bodies to Barnes because she thought he was a vet and Noble, by his name alone, must be a very kind man (which he wasn't, not really) and they gave her a song and dance (much better than hers) and told her they would take care of her pets. Yes, Tootsweet was a charmer.

Tootsweet and Moneybucks eventually moved to Gromax, Texas, to open an indoor flea market and pub which they called the Junk Stop and Beer. People from all over brought their stuff to sell at a booth that Tootsweet rented them for only seventy-three cents an hour as long as they drank beer all day at eight seventy five a bottle, six bottle minimum, two for toddlers. By the time they got to the fourth beer of their special brew, they were sure it was a bargain and spent happy hours hawking junk and swilling lager. 

The health department closed down Junk Stop and Beer when one of the marketeers brought in actual trained fleas to sell and they got loose and wouldn't come back when the whistle blew. They got into the custom brew, got stinkin' drunk and terrorized the marketplace. The whole thing was stupid. The fleas didn't have enough money between them to pay for the beer they drank and Tootsweet decided they took advantage of her good nature, took care of the tab and they never bothered reopening even after the fine was paid and the flea carcasses removed.

The diary ends here--this page, anyhow--so I'm not sure yet what happened to Tootsweet and Moneybucks.  I do know they kept the surviving fleas and formed a circus so the fleas could work off their beer binge bill.

I think they called it Itchkabibble.